Break in series (I): “The Secrets of a Dysfunctional Family”

(Note: I am out of town Monday through Thursday this week and will be unavailable to take comments on this post and the one on Wednesday.  Sorry!  We can catch up on the comment front next week.)

For all the wonderful things that can be said about Abraham, “the friend of God,” we still must admit that he had serious flaws, which provide insight into the fact that his family was dysfunctional.  A classic example is that he passed off Sarah as his sister twice, many years apart (Genesis 12:11-20; 20:1-18).  That means that Abraham did not really learn anything from his grievous error.  Since he managed to get out of both crises in good shape, he apparently saw no need to change.

Not surprisingly, Abraham’s son, Isaac, pulled the exact same stunt with Rebekah (Genesis 26:7-11).  Then, Rebekah and her ”playing favorites” son, Jacob, deceived Isaac in regard to Easu’s blessing (27:1-40).  In the next generation, suffice it to say that the dysfunctional exploits of Jacob’s sons could fill many pages of commentary and analysis.

Then there was David, “the man after God’s own heart.”  Talk about a mess: his marriage to Michal–his affair with Bathsheba–his killing of Uriah.  What an incredibly dysfunctional soap opera!  And, did you ever notice how, one way or another, his children, Amnon, Tamar, Absalom and, eventually, even Solomon ended up in situations that resembled the besetting flaws and sins of their father?

Is it mere coincidence that the Scriptures in Genesis and 2 Samuel follow straight through from the father’s sins to the similar sins of the children?  There is a zero possibility of that.  Instead, we are to observe that there is a cause-effect relationship at work.  Unless a person is very conscious of the parental figure’s impact on him or her, then works very concertedly to “break the cycle,” there exists the strongest likelihood that history will repeat itself.

This is seen in the homes of alcoholics and drug addicts all the time.  It is evident almost as frequently in the homes of divorce–or just serial infidelity, even if there is no divorce. 

What is the point of all this?  Not just “like parent, like child,” but, amazingly often, messed-up children are like their messed-up parents from a dysfunctional home… unless somebody intervenes or someone chooses to change.

I was raised in a highly respectable, middle-class home in Mississippi, to two well-educated, attractive parents and I have three intelligent, well-educated siblings.  But, our home, as I was growing up, was dysfunctional.

I was a good kid, a highly compliant kid and a high-achieving kid (I managed to get the only four-year college athletic scholarship–OK, in the interest of full disclosure, it was half academic–off our undefeated football team from my senior year).  But, I was messed up psychologically and emotionally–already a full-bore “Stoic,” burying tremendous emotional pain that would not surface again for decades.

My Dad was an angry man–but selectively, behind closed doors–due to his own dysfunctional upbringing and his difficult experiences in World War II and Korea.  To the outside world, he was attractive (6′2” and handsome), very competent, caring and considerate.  He treated my Mom with great respect and was easier on his three younger three kids.

But, I was ‘Asa Boyd Luter, Jr.’, his namesake, whom he wanted to be just like him.  And, I just wasn’t–other than a few shared minor weaknesses.  I was much more like my gentle Mom, interested in history and the like, while my Dad was an engineer and wanted a mechanical son–which he eventually got in my brother, Bill.

It seemed like my Dad was always highly frustrated with me.  For example, he was like a volcano erupting whenever, as innately curious as I have always been, I asked “Why?”  That was insubordination where he came from–both his home of origin and the U.S. Army (over 20 years as a Corps of Engineers officer).

To compress a long story (I’ve told other parts of it in Looking Back, Moving On [Navpress, 1993]), he seemed incapable of accepting me or encouraging me–and I never remember him telling me he loved me until two months before his death.  That left me incredibly insecure, always “walking on eggshells.”

So, soon after college, I went to Texas to go to seminary, then have never have gone back for longer than a couple of months at a time.  Why?  I loved my family of origin very much, including my Dad… but, in our dysfunctional relationship, I was both the “scapegoat” (Dad didn’t take responsibility or apologize) and the peace-maker.  I took the blame for almost everything–often when I had nothing to do with it, which kept the peace.  And, of course, I kept the painful secret of Dad’s anger.

Then, much later–when I was 39 and teaching at a seminary in Southern California, something incredible happened.  I stood up to my Dad!  It was very hard, but when he began to belittle and bully me, finally, I chose to stand my ground.

Then, something else wonderful happened.  My Mother and my brother told him he was wrong and needed to seek my forgiveness for not only this incident, but many, many other things.

Asa B., Sr. was not happy at being made aware of these long-standing dynamics.  But, to his great credit, he listened, repented and changed.  In what I consider to be one of the most wonderful examples of “old dogs learning new tricks” because the Holy Spirit is working in the old dog, not only did my Dad’s attitude change, but he flew all the way to the West Coast to ask my forgiveness.  (I still say “Wow!” whenever I think of it.)  Tragically, he died unexpectedly two months later, with me never having more than phone calls with him in between–though he did tell me he loved me in every single interchange after that until he died.

Years later, when I was 52, another amazing event took place.  I was an administrator and professor at a school with a Vice-President who held power as a reign of terror.  Even the President and Provost were afraid of him–and it was eventually found out that he was making more money than the President, but had buried it so deep in the murky budgetary waters that it took a lot of digging to uncover that skullduggery.

How did he maintain his power and control?  He kept communication minimal and controlled, with everyone under him in fear of their jobs and everybody over him aware that he was the only one who knew where certain information was, since he was a holdover from the past administration and had powerful buddies influencing things at the trustee level.

Then, that “trouble-maker,” Dean Boyd Luter (terrified on the inside, but knowing he was doing the right thing), threw the communication lines wide open and things started changing.  Instead of only telling the faculty and staff what they absolutely needed to know, I told them everything except what was of a confidential nature.

Guess what?  It wasn’t long before, in that emerging atmosphere of open communication, a professor came forward to me–because I was high enough up to get a hearing from the Provost and I the first one who had stood up against this man’s intimidation (even though it was with shaking hands and knocking knees) with the proof that this VP had been doing something very wrong for a lengthy period of time that, when it was tracked down, caused a major SBC agency to change a major policy and, in the end, cost the school thousands of dollars.  And, before long, trustee darling or not, that man was sent packing. 

Why do I tell you these things?  Because, shamefully, I let things go on in both my family and that school that should never have been allowed to continue for two reasons: 1) I thought I was being “loyal”–after all, isn’t that what “families” are supposed to be? and 2) I was paralyzed by cowardice.  I was terrified by these questions: ”If that powerful person gets me fired, how will I support my family?”  And: “How will I deal with the professional shame and mark on my record a firing will cause?”

How do I view things with 20/20 hindsight?  I now realize that, once the ominous shell of intimidation and silence is broken, other “family members” follow suit, including some who seemed uninterested in doing anything.  They drop the facade of their “poker faces” and get involved to help the cause of emotional/relational transformation to healthy dynamics.  But, I also realize that I was responsible for “enabling” both situations to continue, simply because I did not stand up to the bully sooner.

How does this stuff get started and continue?  There is always a self-centered/egotistical relational “head” who is highly demanding and around whom everything revolves.  Because of that, the emotional group dynamics soon morph into a protective shield for that central figure.  Sadly, when it gets to that point, it ceases to matter if that key figure treats everyone in the “inner (family-like) circle” like pond scum–and it doesn’t matter if they resent, or even hate, that person for his frequent and long-term verbal/emotional/spiritual abuse, not to mention other questionable actions–they still protect that person.  You see, for the dysfunctional “inner circle” to remain intact, the supporting cast must play their crucial role of maintaining “the family secrets.”

Why would they do that to themselves?  For the same reasons I stayed so long in what I’ve come to call my “the discomfort zone.”  I was terribly unhappy and depressed in both my family and that school all those years, but the pain I felt was ‘a known factor.’  In that sense, it was “comfortable,” in contrast to the level of pain I deeply feared would come about if I got ”excommunicated” by the powerful person.  Thus, in both cases, I cowered in my discomfort zone for a long time, paralyzed by fear.

As you probably have guessed, I’m using my background of failing miserably in facing the dysfunction in whose web I was caught until finally taking a stand and making a difference as a “mirror.”  Why?  Because there exist parallel situations among some of our SBC agencies, trustee boards, schools and churches.  Sadly, the dynamics of “smiley-face” fronts masking frightful emotional/relational realities behind closed doors–or effectively ‘knifing people in the back’ almost immediately after smiling at their face–is at work among us.  And, in God’s timing and way, it will require people who choose to look to the power of the Holy Spirit, by faith, and take courage to act in regard to what they know–if they’re honest–are “toxic” relationships and behavior that, in some cases, have not been honoring to God for quite some time.

I promise you–you can make a difference!  Even if you discount my two examples, never forget that it wasn’t that long ago that a rage-aholic seminary president had to leave one of our schools. 

What happened?  He finally abused the wrong person and it got dealt with.  You see, even trustees who would rather do anything but face the flaws and failings of the leaders they practically worship will eventually act when the witnesses stack up.  And, no matter what you say, the saddest thing in that case was not that the testimony of the school–or the SBC–suffered, but that some wonderful people left first, because nobody was willing to stand up to the bully any sooner.

In that regard, have you also been an “enabler?”  In this case, that means, whether you’ve intended to do so or not, you allow the fear-inducing words and behavior to keep going on by, privately and, on occasion, publicly, excusing away–or laughing off–certain behavior by the leader; by apologizing to the offended because the leader is too arrogant to do so; by reassuring the disillusioned that he really cares–when you have no indication of that; by generally continuing to clean up a great variety of emotional/relational messes made by the “great one”; and–most of all–by not telling him the biblically-rooted truth about him and his behavior before the Lord. 

Sure, your desire is to keep the peace and make your ministry look good–on the outside.  But, what actually happens is that the pompous leader does not have to face the normal consequences of his behavior.  Those would be letting the constituency see him for who he really is behind closed doors, thus losing his “smiley-face” grip on his constituency and the power he wields so egotistically.  Worst of all, you have utterly failed to give that gigantic ego the opportunity to humble himself and change.

I’m honestly not desiring to be harsh here–just attempting as best I know how to speak the “tough love” truth (Ephesians 4:15).  By enabling, you are complicit, an “accessory” to the stunts the ego-blinded leader keeps doing that you know in your heart are not glorifying to God.  You have been ’keepers of the dysfunctional family secrets.’  And, yes, you performed that role very well, allowing everything to go on and look fine, when you know in your heart that the emotional-relational-spiritual reality behind the scenes is anything but fine.

So, what do you do?  For now, pray fervently for the Lord’s leading and for “the fullness of the times” (Galatians 4:4) in which to act.  When the time is right, the Holy Spirit will give you courage and a voice to stand up to the bully.  If a wimp like Asa Boyd Luter, Jr. could do that, you can too.  And, in the meantime, take courage in the fact that there are other concerned parties who are already farther along in the process.

As I close, there is one sobering question I must lay before you: What if you don’t act?  Then, the ”dysfunctional family” atmosphere that exists in various sectors at this point will go on, as it did with Abraham’s and David’s families–and in my examples above.  Why?  Because the leadership will pass to the hand-chosen ones who think that’s the way it’s supposed to be because that’s the way it has been–because nobody stepped up to the plate to do anything to change that dysfunctional “status quo.”  Different names, yes, but emotional/relational bullies by any other name are just as devastating on morale and, even more importantly, integrity. 

Is that what you want to still be happening 25 or 30 years from now at your current ministry, if the Lord tarries?  You know it’s not.

In the end, the key practical question is: “When the time is right, will you personally be willing to trust the Lord to protect you and courageously make a difference in breaking these cycles of dysfunction?”  Please know I am praying fervently for you, especially those still in full-bore denial, doggedly refusing to open your eyes and see!