An In-betweener Post: “Transparency”

(Author’s Note: I feel I owe the following explanation to readers and commenters [whom I have not engaged in over a week], even though most bloggers would see no need to share something like this at all.  But, if I cannot be completely honest and “real”–including my struggles–in what I am presenting, I feel I am putting on a front–which is just another way of saying “two-faced” or a hypocrite.  Bottom line: I may seem like a very weak specimen to you, but weakness is when God’s strength flows [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]). 

For many years, I was a “Stoic” who buried all my emotional pain, starting all the way back in childhood.  I was so extreme in this that, in 1991, I almost died of viral pneumonia and was later informed by my doctor that, if I didn’t stop doing that, the next time it would be probably a fatal heart attack, stroke or at least bleeding ulcers.

Over 15 years later, I still struggle with facing emotional pain instead of burying it.  The last few days, hard on the heels of being at an amazing, but highly draining, retreat are a classic example.  I felt deeply wounded by what happened in regard to my posting my anonymous professor friend’s open letter and, already heavily depleted by the retreat, descended into a funk. 

Now, the sense of wounding was not by my critics or his.  Such criticism was to be expected and both of us would have been completely shocked otherwise.  After all, what else were they going to say/do?  “Sure, we’ll do a full investigation of all his charges and see whether they are true”–Fat chance of that happening in this ‘plenty of smoke, but nobody’s willing to call the fire department’ circle-the-wagons atmosphere in the SBC!  So, they stick to the strategy that has worked so well for so long: Savage the messenger, in order to avoid dealing with the message.

But, it hit me very hard when several of my fellow reformers also had less than supportive things to say about my friend’s anonymity.  And, I have been struggling with this ever since: Why was it affecting me so strongly?

You see, I love them very much and respect them immensely.  In almost every case, to stand firmly on principle against the tide–almost tidal wave–of entrenched SBC power brokers has been very costly for almost all of them.  So, what could it be?

Even after much soul-searching, I did not come up with the answer.  Finally, this morning, someone who is more godly than I am and who loves me, in spite of me, spoke the truth in love to me on this subject.  And, the gray clouds of my funk have parted. 

Please allow me to share this with you in compact form, as transparently as I know how.  Who knows?  It may prove to be a comfort or encouragement to one or more of you, even as I have been greatly comforted (2 Corinthians 1:3-6).

The Outpost guys did absolutely nothing to hurt me–though their opinions did hurt my friend somewhat (which, when I let one of them know, was followed by a very gracious apology/explanation offered and accepted).  At the objective level, they did exactly what I have learned to always expect from them: They each stood on principle, with some, in this case, expressing their concern about the anonymous nature of my friend’s open letter (although, just earlier today, I noticed that Todd Littleton had posted what seems to me to be a helpful balancing perspective out of recent very public SBC life, for which I am thankful).

But, it was not at the objective level where my problem came in.  It was completely emotional.  I took their stated opinions as “rejection,” even “abandonment”–though nothing remotely close to that had actually happened.

Where was that coming from?  Well, as I said above, someone spoke the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) to me and made it clear that I was projecting my own similar past wounding onto my friend’s situation.

What was that somewhat parallel ‘wounding?’  It’s not fun to talk about, but I’m going to give you the Cliff’s Notes version.

I was the Academic Dean at Criswell College–the SBC related school from which the Conservative Resurgence was launched–and “point man” for their successful reaccreditation effort with the Southern Association of Colleges and School in the Fall of 2002.  (Ironic, isn’t it, that Criswell has been put on probation five years later?)  In that role, I worked 14-15 hour days as the norm to get the job done in my Dean’s role and in getting the College reaccredited.  But, the work I was doing at Criswell did not help keep my marriage, which had been hanging by a thread for quite a while, together.

My thought process during that tremendously exhausting and stressful period was that, as soon as the reaccreditation process was complete, I could focus on the marriage and everything would be fine.  However, it did not work out that way.

Now, part of the problem was that I was in denial about how bad things had gotten in my marriage.  But, during those months in which I was laying it all out on the table to get Criswell reaccredited, I heard not a peep from the trustees about my marital situation.  However, as soon as the reaccreditation was in the bag, it all broke loose on that front.

The then President, Richard Wells, and the Provost, Lamar Cooper, did their best to intervene for me.  Even the Board Chair was generally sympathetic–though, apparently, no other trustees cared.  But, in late June, 2003, when my now ex-wife reneged on her signed reconciliation agreement (worked out by Dr. Wells), knowing full well that it would cost me not only my job but probably any future ministy-related opportunity in SBC circles, my XXL frame was shown the door with one month’s pay.  (And, in case anyone wonders, the former Vice President who had everyone at Criswell fearful of him, and whose unethical actions required Guidestone to change a major policy, was given six months pay when he left.)

I was stunned.  Whether the trustees intended it or not, their action came across to me as “What have you done for us lately?  Sure, you got us reaccredited, but now we don’t need you any more.”

Yes, in retrospect, I definitely said and did some things wrong and my sneaky pride was exposed.  But, the hardest thing was that, at the end of the day, the people at Criswell who really cared about me were so afraid of the trustees for their own jobs that nobody really stood up and said: “Even if you think this man’s marital situation does not meet the biblical ideal, do you not have any compassion for his situation and his family at all?!” 

They were all paralyzed with fear.  And, I felt totally abandoned… completely alone (although people like Rick Garner, Lamar Cooper, Doug Wood and Joel Wilson did try to reach out to me some as I was slipping from shock into depression).

Bringing it back to our present situation, I simply could not allow that same tragedy to occur with my anonymous professor friend.  I desperately wanted him to know that, among all his friends and acquaintances who either agree with, or are open to hearing what he has said, somebody–if even just an insignificant ”flea” (1 Samuel 26:20) like me–cared enough to stand up for him and support his courageous stand. 

You see, when I felt completely abandoned, I was in fact partly culpable because of my part of the deficiencies in my marriage (no infidelity or anything of a moral/behavioral nature at all, but mistakes and failures nevertheless).  But, this man, by contrast, has done nothing except tell the truth while trying to protect his job and family by withholding his name.  In other words, he deserves the support far more than I did.  And, after my experience in 2003, how could I withhold any support that I can muster and still call myself his “friend?”